Journal ~ Eating a way to end my life.

                                                                                                      7:37am 7/11/2014 I have gained back 5 pounds a month for the last 4 months. My highest weight was 450ponds and I went all the way down to 290 pounds. But since I stoped burning myself regularly to coup with the worthlessness I feel I have been eating more and more. I know my…

Journal ~ broken, feeling of.

June 30th 2014  1:39am A mother’s family A father’s family Even a stepfather’s family And might out of all them people I have two people that gives a carp about me.  That would out of the blue just call or stop by to ask how am I. Or respond if I really needed something.  Yes…

Wellbutrin XL / Latuda journal (week One)

3/16/14 2:14am – Feeling not so tired / down. Did a lot this weekend with my daughter and a friend and her kid. – so only three days into taking the antidepressant. I feel less sad, less down. All the thoughts are still there. All the doubts are still here too. I dont kbow what…

Saphris / Latuda journal (week Three)

Even thou I am not on the Saphris right now does not mean I am not logging how I feel on the other two and that my dr might not talk me into talking it again.  I just have concerns. I am only taking the Latuda and klonopin right now but see my PDoc on…

Saphris / Latuda journal (week Two)

3/1/2014 2:07am – on the 20mg now. Started it yesterday before I went to bed. I have a little more engery but I dont know if its because I slept for 10 hrs or the increase. I am still depressed. I still feel urges to self harm. I still hear voices. I still see people…

Saphris / Latuda journal (week one)

2/22/2014: Started the Saphrigs black cherry flavor today. (I am now on Latuda 160mg, Klonopin 1mg, and Saphris 10mgs)  It tastes not so good and numbs out my tongue for a few minutes. I hope which is dangerous that this helps. I did only take 5mgs today and will only take 5mgs for the next…

1/16/1980 (journal)

One year older and no one cares. No well wishes :( No phone calls :( The people that asked my birthday at the hospital didn’t even say anything. I am just invisible   =============== Posted By: Mike G Contact Email: MikesAnubis@gmail.com ****************************** >Go to Home Page< About Me & This Site        Mental Health Posts …

12/30/13 (journal)

10:24am So woke up this am at 9am then did a but load of running around and still have more. I have to go and fight with ssi people today still. While trying to get a hold of wealfare. ^^^^^^^^^^ 6:09pm I am lost. And losing everything. No positive insight Darkness all around. Why? I…

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12/21/13 (journal)

I have been trying to practice Mindfulness, or at least the staying in the moment thing all this weekend. Which let me tell you is easier with my daughter next to me. I had to wounder today is that is why children are so happy because they don’t think long term. They only think of…

12/13/13 (Journal)

10:00am Slept in then forgot my wallet. Now therapist time. ******* The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot. — Michael Althsuler ******* 1:15pm Seen my therapist, she wants me to start dbt, I think its called, therapy. I think again lol I remember this from before. She says I…

Posible trigger ******* 12/1/13 Journal

7:12p The best thing I did today was this tine tree assoment that will be year round in my house ========== 310 Tryes to think positive, tryied to cal my daughter. Said and I quetoe she didn’t want to talkto me. At 7 years old and knowing me a year she all ready knows. But…

What a night. 11/21/13 (Journal)

I have been sitting here at Panera Bread since I meet my possible soon to be case manager. We talked about how the closeness is an issue. I have to agree that I have a growing trend of attachin to people. I walked her out and came back in and have been people watching and…

11/18/13 (journal)

11:38am At work, slow down/numb type of morning.  Nervous about talking ro my boss because of having to quite one job. I really can’t quite eaither and have this all work out. So many thought. ———- 6:10pm I have to learn to let go. I have to get over this out dated sense of loyalty.…

11/7/13 Journal (trigger)

I have been burning myself to this song. Something about it just is in my head and will not let go.  I had it on repeat last night and buned myself with a lighter about 9 times. I would hold my the lighter lite from start of the music to about a secound before the…

11.4.13 (Am) – Journal

Woke up this morning from my three nap at 5:30am. Really starting to think that the hate that i use as fuel has started to consume me. I really don’t find joy in anything. I am not sure if that is because everything/one likes to hit me harder then the last.  Or if I am…

**Triger**11.3.13 Thoughts / Journal

I have been hurt twice this year and these scares of losing people I trusted are deeper then any burn I can put on my body.  I am at that point where self injury is the line between me and losing. I have been putting one or two small lighter burns on myself a night.…

Journal (5.18.13)

So I have been working for almost 7 months I have my daughter in my life when her mother wants her to be I have been stable in my house for over 5 years I have lost 151 pounds I am on no medications and just using my coping skills to deal with day to…

Journal 10.11.2012

So my addiction is food, I know how stupid that sounds and laughed at the idea when it was first said it to me. But it is true. It sucks cause no one ever says you should not eat its bad for you. Or that as much as you try not to think about it…

Pain / 9.30.2012

I hurt and feel sad i have this emptiness i cant feel but try with food. I eat and eat till i am fat.  Then the feelings of failure and me being pathetic set in. I hate myself even more after i eat the emptiness away even thou it does not really feel the void.…

Journal ~ 4.6.2012 8:42am

Well it is Friday morning. I dislike Fridays because all the outside time I have to face. And all the stuff I have to do, I have Therapy Go to Banks (Commercial / PNC) Go shopping (Aldis/ giant eagle) wait for taxi (@ home, then therapist office, then giant eagle, and then at Aldis) walking…

Journal 4.3.2012 9:50am

So decided to find a new house to rent. I am here looking at one now and thinking all negative thoughts. I want to move but have a nice little working system where I am now. What to do what to do. Is moving ever a easy decision? And do my issues mark that harder…

Cognitive Restructuring & other tips for Stress Relief + Letting Go of a Relationship That Stresses you

Cognitive Restructuring for Stress Relief A Little Cognitive Restructuring Can Bring Significant Change There’s plenty of solid evidence that how we think about what’s going on in our lives can greatly contribute to whether or not we find events in our lives stressful. Cognitive distortions, or patterns of faulty thinking, can impact our thoughts, behaviors and experience of…

Recover the art of journaling

If a blog isnt your things then try this. Mike G Journaling is becoming a lost art. It seems people don’t just stop and write anymore – at least, not without Facebook or Twitter. Bring journaling into the 21st century with RedNotebook. Sit and write to your heart’s content. Then tag entries, format your type…

2/27/2012 10:42pm *Journal*

I cannot let go of the feeling that if was my fault.  I know logistically that as a child we have no control or choice over the abuse we suffer.  And I keep telling myself that it was not my fault. NOT MY FAULT.  But this inner dough still lays heavy on me like a…

2/8/2012 ~ 10:36am

So I had a bad day yesterday. I am just tired on “getting through things”. I don’t know why I just cant get my life in balance, it seems like I am always wobbling from one problem to a big mistake, to an destructive issue of some kind. But what set me off was my stationary exercise bike broke.  …

Journal – 1.10.2012 – 11:11pm

I am depression but can’t show it.  I can’t just lay down and do nothing.  I have to survive because surviving is the only thing I have ever been good at.  The only thing I can look back on and feel proud about.  I am glad I survived to this age, no.  But happy and…

1.9.2012 – 11:50pm

So 2012 has tried early to kill my spirit.  Has it idk, but the stresses from last year definitely follow me into this one. I am faced with many many decisions that I don’t know how to make.  I’m trying to remove myself from an being close to emotional side of the situation.  Because an…

12.19.2011 10:51am

I had the most messed up dream(?) about a friend being pregnant.  And the most prominent thing was that she was so demanding, wow.  Not in like a bad evil move type of a way,  I just wonder if she was really like that when she was pregnant here in real life?  It was just…

12.18.2011 2:57pm

“I have only known you 14 hours, but I feel like I have known you my whole life”  She said looking at me with those big green eyes. I had a dream again but as usually if its not a nightmare its a different scenario, this time it was in a trailer park. I think I had just moved in or…

12.13.2011

It was a bad night last night, I am just so tired of eating and blowing my diet.  I ended up at rite aid looking for the healthiest junk food.  Right so you know my bran wasn’t working so well healthy junk food.  Well I bought and aet a bag of chips adding 50gm of fat and like 1000 calories to…

11/9/2011 11:33pm

Why can’t I apologize to myself? Why can’t I give myself premison to forgive me, to forgive me for all the wrongs I have done to myself? Why can’t I let go of you? Flight high my angle! I see you when I open my eyes in the morning. And I feel you next to me when I fall asleep. You stay…

10/14/2011 ~ 7:36pm

     I dislike Fridays, why because it my out of house shopping and dealing with bills day.  And this one was worse then most, I about had a panic attack in Aldi store, I dont know if it was the lack of sleep, medication, having to deal with my step-dads attitude, or something else but I was screaming very loudly…