Thoughts from a broken mind
Basic back round
*Mother had drug and alcohol addiction and did both while pregnant with me.
Her family would speak to me but was never any help. My grandfather (her dad) while nice to me never and let me visit when I wanted would not really help me. He let my two consents live with him while I bounced around from placement to placement to homeless. Made me feel well not so good about myself.
*Biological father drug and alcohol addict / abusive / criminal his family didn’t speak to me at all. And don’t ever remember meeting him.
*Step-father physiological liar, abusive, his family was also abusive.
I believed he was my real father till his one sister told me that he wasn’t. When I was younger my mother took me to Wa State and while I was living there my step-dads father died. When I was brought back to Pa and back to my stepfathers house the same one of his sister was there and told me that I killed him. That when I felt it broke his hart and he died. I was like kindergarten age.
My up bring as you can probably tell was not very good, my mother bounced me and a half sister around city to city state to state. Many bad abusive (both mentally, sexually, and physical) people pasted in and out of my life for the first 13 years in till I got in trouble at school and my mother signed me over to the state stating (lying) that I was trouble “incorrigible”. By then my bio-father was completely out of my life, well he was never really in it at all, with step-father never helping me much.
My mother divorced my step-dad and took his rights to me away so I ended up in the system after she left. He did stay in contact so he could communicate with my mother.
Well if I was lucky the story would get happier but it didn’t nothing changed but the location till I was big enough to fight back. By the age of 16 I was molested by 8 men and two women. I was abused and made to abuse. Many scares where laid on my skin and soul.
Blow by Blow as I remember it and I will update as I can and as I work on things new memories may come up so stay tuned.
My first memory:
I have always like big things like tractor trailer trucks, fire trucks, construction equipment. And since I was never supervised right I would sneak off to a local truck stop and look and touch the trucks. God only knows why a kid as young as myself not even as tall as the trucks tires was not run over and killed. Sometimes I think about how nice that would have been.
Well I think it was about my third visit when I came across for the first and not last time the wrong type of person. And not knowing any better I followed this buy into the truck stop bathroom.
I believe that this fist abuse I suffered was scary and terrifying because I did not understand what was going on. This man I never seen was touching me and doing things with my hands that I had never done. I can feel the anxiety still to this day, that kind of new experience anxiety that you get, butterfly I think it’s called by some.
That day was the first time I seen a horrified look of guilt on someone face, even thou I would not know that till years later. It was just briefly as the man left quickly out of the dirty truck stop bathroom stall. And I guess that under the fear the attention was liked thus starting my twisted sense of liking abuse.
I think that the being ashamed, guilty, angry, betrayed come into play later in life as I understand what had happened although I did at the time feel like I did something wrong that made the man leave like he did. And the feeling that I knew too well abandonment was made stronger by him leaving. I wish he would come back was the messed up feeling that I had at the end.
Angry at myself that the fear or scared unknown feeling that I was entitled to have, had driven him off. One would think that those are all the wrong emotions to feel, but these are the emotions of that child.
I seemed to have a target on my back for perverts in till I was big enough to fight back.
My next memories:
Was while I was living in Washington State, I remember a apartment with a large archway that connected the living room and I think a smaller room that lead to the bedrooms. I remember trying to block it up so that a man could not get into my room to hurt me. I think my mother was dating that guy. I also remember a older lady like in her 70s in Washington State, she did not hurt me, she was kind to me. I remember her sitting on a porch talking to me. I can’t remember what she says but it must have been loving.In no order memories: (I am working on getting the all out and dealing with the emotional stuff) Fist real girlfreind
(14teen I think) My fist relationship was with this girl name Jennifer B. It was really confusing for me, I never knew what to say or do. It started by her living across the hall from me, she lived with her dad and step mom and sister. It was funny because I thought she was beatiufly but could not see here talking to me like that. Well one night I was playing cards with her and her pairents at her house and I had this electronic date book phone book thing (like pictured). Well we where passing notes in it via some program in it where you read what the person rote and the deleted and typed out your response. She asked me something like if I liked her and I said ya your cool and she came back with something like no I mean would you want to go out. It was so out of the blue for me. But I said yes. And we started dating and it was such a positive experience at first. I was so honest and open with her and trusted her and it was hard because I was in and out of placements at the time. But like everything else she hurt me and left a really deep scare. See when I was in a 2nd placement she cheat on me with and ex. I tried to forgive her and move past it but it hurt she was the first anyone that I trusted to protect my emotions. We moved past it even with the trust broken and a while later she accused me of cheat on her. Which i did not. And she broke up with me and I did not understand how she could not trust me enough to know that I was telling her the truth. I believed everything she told me and everything I ever told her was the truth. Still writing…..Coming Back from Washington State
The first thing I remember about coming back to Pa is being in a car port and being told by my step-fathers sister Chrisy that the man who I thought I was my grandfather (step-fathers dad) was dead and I killed him by leaving the state. I was s like kinder garden age at the time. Still Writing……My time at Circle C & The Mel Blount Youth Home of PA This is about my time at Circle C group homes. I was in two house there, and messed up the opportunities that I may have gotten from them. I am unsure of the dates I was there, my memory is a little foggy from the drinking, drugs, prescription drugs and Electroshock therapy.
I do remember some thing like the house next to the grave yard and the other one was in Bellevue Pa, I worked as cooked in several restaurants in Belevue, and was not a good cook either. I got the jobs about lying about my age ……….. Read More