My Mental Issues
I have been in and out of mental health system since I was very young, I can’t remember what age but somewhere around 12~14 years old.
- When I was younger I remember them saying I was antisocial maybe antisocial disorder I don’t know but with depression
- In 2006 I was told that I have paranoid schizophrenia along with the depression and other stuff. To me it basically meant more pills that I hate taken.
- In 2011 my diagnosed changed to schizoaffective disorder with ptsd.
But this is what it all breaks down for me.
1) I hear voices in my head almost every waking moment. And they have been there since I can remember.
- Most of them are mean in there own way
- Most of them only criticize me or what I am doing, only one likes to try to tell me what to do
- One voice, that dose not come out often, says nice things
- The voices like to say things like I am not good enough or I can’t do what ever I am trying to do. Sometime they do frustrate me enough that I fail at what I was trying to do. Or even worse I fail at what I was doing and then they rag on it for hours after.
2) The paranoia – That started about 15ish
Update (5.18.13), I have gotten this under control by using coping skills and just pushing on. I do a lot of self checking. I think pushing myself into uncomfortable areas and making myself deal with the uncomfortableness of it has helped many area of my mental illness.
- Of people out to get me
- People or vehicles are following me
- People are watching me in stores
- People can see what I am thinking and see the voices in my head
- People I know are trying to use me.
- People I meet online or in person are after or want something from me.
- Not being at home level my home open for attack.
- of looking foolish because of talking to people that are not there.
3) The hallucinations – since about 20ish expect for a cat that I named fred that no one else could see but me that started early but I can’t recall when.
- I see things like shadows and
- Sometimes real looking people. The people freak me out the most because I never know if there realy. I can see, touch, smell them like the are.
- Bugs crawling on my legs usually at night.
4) My trust issues – have been building since I was really youth.
- I don’t have many friends and keep the one’s I do have at arm length away from me.
5) Depression / bi-polar – since I can remember.
6) My not wanting to be touched by people – due to the crawling feeling i get.
7) Anxiety
- I hate to leave my house
- I don’t like to be in crowds or around more then 5 people at a time.
- off and on nervous ticks
- cough/ in my teens
- can’t say words right all/ my life when stressed
- cracking my left jaw joint/ 2011 & 201
8) Self-harm (SH)
Update (5.18.13), I have not SH in over two years. I believe this to be beaten and claimed as a victory.
I have been hurting myself since I can remember, I know I started by hitting my head against the wall over and over again. After my “mother” left I started cutting myself with well anything sharp. And about 20ish I add burning to the mix. I also include eating into this category.
People ask me why and I say that it is not an easy answer. There are many answers to that question:
- Its the only thing that drives the voices away
- Its a way of dealing with my emotions
- Fills that emptiness inside
I would say its about 50/50 my condition brought on by a trauma I endured in my life vs. stuff I was born with because my mothers drug and alcohol problems. To read my (still updating) story Click here.
More Info on: Schizoaffective Disorder A great video I found on YouTube9 Comments on “My Mental Issues”
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Thank you for visiting my blog, and taking the time to read my post. I hope you find it helpfully and interesting, please feel free to leave your thoughts and comments. If there is something you would like to ask or want to see please email or message me. ~ Mike G
Mike’s Weight Battle
For what it’s worth. Don’t believe everything that “doctors” tell you. Contrary to their own opinions they are not Gods.
Along with myself I had a friend that was more screwed up from the medications he was given than the depression he suffered without them. He literally started barking like a dog. That’s an extreme example.
In my case I was on the verge of suicide from the medications they gave me but I didn’t realize it was the medications until I said no more. They were giving me two and three different pills at a time I had no idea what was even working or not working. Now that I no longer take them I’m a whole lot healthier. Except going through the brain zaps from discontinuing the SSRI’s sucked and was really scary at times.
These medications are insidious in that they make small changes in our brains that we can’t even track until one day we’re all messed up and don’t know why and so they toss more pills at us.
I’m not suggesting you stop taking your pills. Only you know how you got to where you are and only you know what’s going on in your body. I’m just suggesting that you can’t just accept what these pill-pushers tell you. If they were always right you wouldn’t see all these lawsuits on TV going after the pharmaceutical industry.
Be proud of the courage, indulgence and struggle you hold on in your life, you may call it an achievement …i’m sure it wasn’t and it isn’t easy in almost every aspect of your life, but keep doing exactly what you’ve done so far…there may not be many people who’d care but those few who do…they really do.
Mike, your story is tragic and touching and it is also triumphant in a real way. I read about your childhood experiences and your so-called ‘mental health’ issues. First of all to have survived the childhood you had is a HUGE accomplishment in itself. It sounds like there was never really anyone there to love you unconditionally and protect you from harm the way parents should. Many people would have given up because of it. You have not. You have a unique COURAGE that many people do not have. I hope you can appreciate this about yourself.
I would not be so quick to say you have mental health issues in any abnormal or unhealthy way. In fact, I think you are quite NORMAL. Seeing things, not knowing if they are real, you have a vivid imagination. There is nothing unhealthy or wrong with that. Things crawling on you at night, that is something I feel a lot, but in truth, it is just a function of the central nervous system which sometimes is not ready to go to sleep when I am, lol!
The main thing I wanted to commend you about is the utter lack of blame or bitterness against people (which you are certainly entitled to given the horrid, cold situations you were in as an innocent, defenseless child.) What is an absolute WONDER is that you still display a level of optimism, hope and kindness.
You are truly a unique and wonderfel person and even though I’ve never met you, from what you’ve shared here I can say I feel the world is DEFINITELY a better place because of you. I wish MORE people were as honest, open and clearly gentle as you.
May God Bless you and show you increasingly your absolute value and worth as a person.
Thank you for your time to read my site and the comment
Mike, I enjoy your posts and I also have some of the same issues. Paranoid, Jaw Cracking, people are always out to get me and the much intolerant Trust Issues. Keep me posted.
Am truely enjoying your postings.
I would like to be a voice telling you to carry on informing us all.
Thank you
I found Fred!!! If you were going to see things, I sure wish it would be Fred! I bet he is a nice visitor to have. =)
ya he was nice, I miss him a lot.