pathetic and alone 4.25.2012 ** Possible SI Trigger***
You know what I hate most about the pills, I am forced to take, is that in makes me sane enough to know that I am pathetic and alone.
I say this because I am alone because I can’t trust and the fact that I can’t trust is pathetic.
Which makes me want me to either stop taking them or take to many of them.
I am tired of either being broken, the more I work towards being “better” the more I hate myself for everything I have done to make it to this point.
I miss the good hallucinations that’s what past therapists have called them, I called them friends.
My friends or friend or Fred by name of my best friend would look out for me, stop me from doing stupid.
Yes my are from a few years ago.
But the pills took him from me 
so no its just broken me sitting here fighting with my self.
What should I do.
I know what I feel like doing.
What should I do.
Can I be fixed? So far the answer is now, I have been on over 100 medications that have not worked.
I need my friends, but I don’t have real friends, I can’t make them.
At best all I have is 3 acquaintances, a case manger a doctor and a therapist. The last three are paid to talk to me.
I am starting to really think that the paranoia days of running around the country being chased my my own paranoid hallucinations is better then this.
Back then I didn’t know how lonely, broken or pathetic I am.
One Comment on “pathetic and alone 4.25.2012 ** Possible SI Trigger***”
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Thank you for visiting my blog, and taking the time to read my post. I hope you find it helpfully and interesting, please feel free to leave your thoughts and comments. If there is something you would like to ask or want to see please email or message me. ~ Mike G
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Michael J Granata
For me there was a in-between bit where I felt worse too. I don’t know the answer for you but I hope you find the right one. One thing I wonder about is whether there is a cost to having the hallucinations? Hope that makes sense. What I mean is you might have your ‘friends’ but would there be other things you didn’t want? If so, I suspect taking the meds woudl make sense. But then I know too that you have to decide for yourself. Good luck.